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Bread and
Circuses
by Free Market Duck
ARE
YOU A LIBERAL, CONSERVATIVE, OR FREE MARKET DUCK?
FIND OUT. TAKE THE QUIZ.
Washington, DC – What color is your political parachute? Are you in favor
of national health care? Want to legally steal your neighbor’s Ford
Exploder?
Find out whether you’re a gung-ho Liberal, red-hot Conservative, or Free
Market Duck. The following 20 questions cover basic philosophy, American
history, and simple economics. Your answers to these
socio-political-economic no-brainers reveal your secret, innermost political
leanings.
Answers are revealed at the end of the quiz. Choose only one answer for
each of the following questions. Ready, set, go.
Q1.
Individuals obtain their rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of
happiness from:
a)
The Bill of Rights, U.S. Constitution, and the Federalist Papers
b) Karl Marx
c) Nature
d) Martha Stewart
Q2.
Individual freedom is defined as:
a)
Your right to choose which Christian church to attend each
Sunday at 7 AM.
b)
Your right to receive commodities and services from
everybody else.
c)
Your right to give or voluntarily exchange ideas, services,
or commodities with others.
d)
Your
right to spill coffee on your ass and sue McDonald’s for
$20 million.
Q3.
‘Rights to Receive’ means:
a)
Your
right to receive corporate and church welfare from
your neighbors via a hidden tax by the Federal
government.
b) Your
right to receive food, clothing, housing, education,
health care, cars, trucks, sex, drugs, and chocolate
chip
cookies from your neighbors via a hidden tax by the
Federal
government.
c) Nothing.
‘Rights to Receive’ is a contradictory notion of
reciprocal involuntary servitude, a non sequitur such
as ‘Dry
Water.’
d) Free
popovers from Martha Stewart.
Q4.
‘Rights to Give’ means:
a) Your
‘Rights to Receive’ corporate welfare with a tariff on
cheap foreign electric light bulbs.
b) Your
‘Rights to Receive’ food, clothing, housing, education,
health care, cars, trucks, sex, drugs, and chocolate
chip
cookies from your neighbors via a hidden tax by the
Federal
government.
c) Your
right to voluntarily give or exchange ideas, services, and
commodities.
d) Your
right to ‘give it up’ or applaud loudly at a Rolling Stones
40 Licks concert.
Q5.
The American colonists declared Independence from whom in the American
Revolutionary War of 1776?
a)
The Devil from Hip Hop Hell
b) The
pig pirate capitalists
c) The
British. I repeat, the British. Oh yoo-hoo? Does King
George ring a bell?
d) Hillary
Clinton
Q6.
The United States was founded as what type of government?
a) A
Theocracy
b) A
Democracy
c) A
Limited Constitutional Republic
d)
A
Dictatorship with five look-a-like moustaches hiding in a
bunker.
Q7.
U.S. citizens obtain their ‘Natural Rights’ – Rights to Give or Exchange --
from:
a) President
Bush, Congress, the U.S. Supreme Court, and the
Pope
b) The
9th Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco
c) Nature
d) Saddam
Hussein’s 5th moustache
Q8.
The purpose of the U.S. Bill of Rights is:
a) To
establish a National Chickenchoker Church for faith-based
welfare and wealth redistribution, can I get an Amen?
b) To
grant Americans their ‘Rights to Receive’ food, clothing,
housing, education, health care, cars, trucks, sex,
drugs, and
chocolate chip cookies from their neighbors via a
hidden tax
by the Federal government.
c) To
prohibit violations against your inalienable Natural Rights.
d) To
trick your ass on your high school PSAT.
Q9.
The sole function of a government should be:
a) To
ensure corporate and Chickenchoker Church welfare.
b) To
redistribute all the food, clothing, housing, education,
health care, cars, trucks, sex, drugs, and chocolate
chip
cookies from Peter to Paul.
c) To
protect individual rights with an objective police, military,
and judicial system.
d) To
provide full employment for the oxymorons in Congress and
micro-manage 2 trillion government Pig Troughs.
Q10.
The three branches of American government are:
a) The
Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
b) 10,000
Lobbyists, 10 Trillion Government Bureaus, The Good
Economic Fairy from the West.
c) The
Executive, Legislative, and Judicial branches.
d) Maple,
Oak, and Pine.
Q11.
The definition of “Money” is:
a) Non-redeemable,
non-promissory National Wallpaper growing
on lollipop trees in Washington DC.
b) Non-redeemable,
non-promissory National Wallpaper growing
on lollipop trees in Washington DC plus invisible
credit created
out of thin air by the Federal Reserve.
c) A
commodity such as gold, silver, or platinum used as a
medium of exchange.
d) Whatever
the government says it is.
Q12.
Economic “stimulus” means:
a) Electrocuting
the people with cattle prods to spend the
government’s fake money.
b) Printing
tons of paper money out of thin air and passing it out
as free VISA loans through member banks of the Federal
Reserve System so all the Technoserfs can purchase
electric
vibrators.
c) Counterfeiting
the nation’s money supply by the Federal
Reserve and thus producing taxflation and unemployment.
d) Deficit
Farming: leading the economy with a continual food
shortage to stimulate the production of food.
Q13.
Counterfeiting is defined as:
a) The
Mafia copying a U.S. five dollar bill.
b) The
Mafia copying a U.S. ten dollar bill.
c) The
Federal Reserve printing trillions of non-redeemable,
non-promissory pieces of paper that resemble previous
U.S.
Gold or Silver Certificates.
d) Rodney
McDoodlesnot copying his ’57 Chevy Pink Slip and
passing out one trillion phony Pink Slips to
“stimulate” the
economy of his local neighborhood.
Q14.
The U.S. government in the year 2003 can best be described as:
a) A
centrally managed variation on the theme of Theocratic
Socialism.
b) A
centrally managed variation on the theme of Democratic
Socialism.
c) Socialism
on the installment plan based upon the oxymoron
of ‘Rights to Receive.’
d) A
3-Ring Circus.
Q15.
If the Federal government “nationalizes” chocolate ice cream cones, the
kids:
a) Can
only lick cones in the faith-based, secular, ping-pong
marriage counseling room at St. Mary’s but not in the
main
chapel where the drug deal is going down.
b) Can’t
lick cones on church property because it violates 1st
Amendment rights, separation of church and
state, for Christ’s
sake.
c) Who
slurp ice cream cones on church property will now qualify
as federal criminals hiding out in St. Mary’s broom
closet.
d) Might
spill chocolate ice cream on Lady Madonna’s left foot
and thus end up talking to a man dressed in black in a
little
wooden booth, can I get an Amen?
Q16.
Guaranteed National Health Care is best described as:
a) Free
aspirins for senior citizens.
b) Free
health care for everybody. Yippee. Provided by all the
doctors. Yahoo. Free, free, free ‘Rights to Receive’
commodities and services from the doctors. Oh boy.
c) A
fun time, touchy feely experience for patients exercising
their ‘Rights to Receive’ a free $500 trillion
commodity called
Health Care by subordinating the rights of the
providers to the
rights of the recipients. Also known as a violation of
the 13th
Amendment to the U.S. Constitution –
involuntary economic
servitude of one group (the providers of Health Care)
to
another group (the recipients of Health Care).
d) Free
colonoscopies for Anal Retentives on the 1st Wednesday
of odd-numbered months.
Q17.
The job of the 9 Justices of the U.S. Supreme Court is:
a) To
re-write the U.S. Constitution as: The King James Bible.
b) To
re-write the U.S. Constitution as: My Friend, Karl Marx.
c) To
interpret current law according to the U.S. Constitution.
d) To
re-write the U.S. Constitution as: Gone With The Wind.
Q18.
According to the U.S. Bill of Rights, you must:
a) Say,
“One Nation, Under God,” during the Pledge of
Allegiance to the U.S. Flag.
b) Demand
that the President and Congress manage the
economy by granting Americans their ‘Rights to Receive’
food,
clothing, housing, education, health care, cars,
trucks, sex,
drugs, and chocolate chip cookies from their neighbors
via a
hidden tax by the Federal government.
c) Not
initiate the use of force or fraud against other individuals.
d) Come
to a complete stop, look both ways, and then when it’s
clear that the government is bankrupt, continue to pay
taxes
for Senator Porky to build an Underwater Roller Coaster
Theme Park in South Dakota for $4 billion.
Q19.
Public Education in all 50 U.S. States can best be described as:
a) The
lack of School Vouchers for Parochial schools.
b) The
only method we can think of to ram socialism down the
throats of our children.
c) A
fun time, touchy feely experience for children exercising
their ‘Rights to Receive’ a free $500 trillion
commodity called
Education by subordinating the rights of the providers
to the
rights of the recipients. Also known as a violation of
the 13th
Amendment to the U.S. Constitution –
involuntary economic
servitude of one group (the providers of education) to
another
group (the recipients of education).
d) A
combination Pro Sports Farm Club, Teenage Fashion Show,
and Hip Hop Diversity Drug Store.
Q20.
Laissez-faire, laissez-passer means:
a) “Nothing
like a well-placed tariff on French wine, I always
say.” – U.S. Vintners Association.
b) “Taxing
the importation of cheap foreign moonlight to protect
the domestic electric light bulb manufacturers will
enrich the
economy.” – Yankee Electric Light Bulb Co. & Friends of
the
Flashlights.
c) Don’t
tread on Le Canard du Free Market.
d) “Dejame
tener por Fruit Loops.” -- Esponja Bob con
Pantalones a Cuadro.
Bonus
Bailout Question:
Q21.
Political boundary lines that coincide with Mother Nature’s Pacific Ocean,
Amazon River, and invisible lines in the desert tend to:
a) Preserve
historical markers for history buffs.
b) Create
scholarly arguments about who got there first.
c) Conveniently
carve up the world for Politicians to legally rob
“their people” and provide wonderful dictatorships for
Congress to send trillions of dollars in foreign aid.
d) Provide
full employment for colorful mapmakers – and for
mathematicians still trying to solve the 3-color map
problem.
So how did you do on the little quiz, Sparky?
Choice (c.) is the correct answer for every question. Score 1 point for every
(c.) that you chose.
Points:
16 - 20: Free Market Duck
11 - 15: Free Range Chicken
6 - 10: Daffy Duck
1 - 5 : Half-Baked Turkey
0 : Roast Duck
If
you chose (a) for every question, you’re a card-carrying American
Conservative.
If
you chose (b) for every question, you’re a gung-ho American Liberal.
If
you happened to guess (c.) for every question, you’re a Free Market Duck.
And
if you accidentally chose (d) for every question, that’s OK. It just means
the color of your political parachute is a rainbow with a fourteen-foot hole
in it, falling at 32 feet per second squared.
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