Bread and
Circuses
by Free Market Duck
U.S. SENATE CHANGES NAME TO YANKEE HOUSE OF LORDS
SENATORS ADOPT NEW TITLES OF BRITISH NOBILITY
London, England – “Lord Baker of Dorking, meet Lord Dork of
Baking,” announced Prime Minister Tony Blair as the full house of
Parliament cheered during his introduction of the British House of Lords to
each member of the new Yankee House of Lords.
“Yes, very well, hands across the water and all that poppycock,” said British Lord Forsyth of Drumlean to Yankee Lord Fatslyce of Bacon.
“Thank you, thank you,” said former Senate Minority Leader Tom Dashhound the III as he adapted Britain’s Lord Willoughby de Broke to Lord We Be Broke, Willy. “At least I’m not the Dork, Dork, Dork of Earl,” he joked with Lady Suckwhat of Taxington, formerly known as Senator Boxershorts of California.
In an astonishing move by the U.S. Senate last month, all 100 senators voted unanimously to increase their popularity, paychecks, and power by changing their official Congressional name from ‘The Senate’ to ‘The Yankee House of Lords.’ Claiming that an amendment to the U.S. Constitution was not necessary to effect their new title, the Lords and Ladies of the U.S. Senate then flew first class to London, England where they officially adopted their favorite titles of British nobility from Parliament after calling for a new Boston Tea Tax on the Brits in the House of Commons.
“I want my new title to be ‘King George,’” said New York Senator Hillary Q. Healthcare the III. “It has a nice ring to it. Besides, I’m running for President in 2008 and need a good title to impress the folks back home,” she added.
“You dummy,” said Lord Fairness of Taxure Corningware Dishes – adopted from Britain’s Lord Cavendish of Furness -- “the title King George is for a man, not a woman. You must call yourself Baroness Tax Broke of Brooklyn, or Lady Suckcoins of Taxington, or the Marquess de Sade or something from somewhere, not King George, for Christ’s sake.”
“Oh, OK,” said the new senator. “How about Mary Queen of Scots?”
“No, no, no. Queens and Kings are titles for Presidents and rock groups, not senators,” said Senate Majority Whip William Q. Frisk the III. “You should emulate Lady Saltoun of Abernathy and change your name to Lady Saltine of Ritz Crackers,” he added.
The House of Lords was not without opposition to the American senators. Meeting in an emergency session in Parliament to vote on the Yankee senators’ adoption of British titles of aristocracy, the Cross Benches threw their whigs across the aisle at the Conservative Tories. Then the Tories threw their whigs and tomahtoes at the Social Labour Democrat Communist Peoples Party in an obvious display of rather upsetting displeasure with commoners from the Colonies swiping and rearranging their titles of nobility.
Standing up to deliver a speech with one hand in his breast coat and the other pointing toward the ceiling, Lord Pilkington of Oxenford stated, “My fellow Scarlet Pimpernels of Rockingford-on-Knightsbridge & Such, by what right doth the American Colonists yank our cranks, usurp the title of our hallowed House of Lords, and bastardize our titles of aristocracy with their bowdlerizations of the Queen’s English? Their puns and metaphorical titles of pretended nobility are a sham, a sham, I tell you -- quite unlike ours. Next thing you know, the Yanks will be re-writing the Magna Carta – which, by the way, is from where my own great-great-great-great-great grandfather legally obtained his title from King John of Runnymede in 1215 AD, some 800 years ere now.”
“Hear, hear,” shouted 4,000 Knights of the Round Table Pizza, licking pepperoni and cheese off their fingers.
“With all due respect to our Yankee visitors from the Colonies in the West Indies – I mean North America, I get them all confused, you see -- I urge you to vote a big fat No Way Jose and up your twin brother’s arse, too, Hose B.”
“Hear, hear,” shouted 3,999 Sir Lancelots with one vote abstaining when Baron Smith of Gilmorehill choked on a misplaced anchovy in his pepperoni pizza. Fortunately, Yankee Baron Fillmore Bureaus of Capitol Hill saved him just in time for the next vote on whether to tax Lord Ashdown of Norton-sub-Hamdon‘s left shoelace.
“And furthermore,” interrupted Lord Posonby of Shulbrede, I object to the Yankee Senator from California Americanizing my family name to Lord Poison Steed. I suggest instead the name of: Lord, Should-This-Person-Be-Allowed-To-Breed? as a more suitable title for his inherited disposition.”
“Oh shut up,” shouted Lord Alexander of Weed. “My American counterpart, formerly Senator Hemp Q. Grass the III from Iowa -- now known affectionately as Lord Smoking Weed of Alexander – has assured me that the American Colonists will cease dumping our Earl Grey tea into their Boston Harbour. Lord Smoking Weed has also assured me that the new American Patriot Act # 87 will soon allow Her Majesty’s Secret Service to quarter British soldiers in each American’s house and drive their SUVs to the grocery store and back whilst petting their family dog. What more free trade exchanges could you ask for, you dolts?”
“Hear, hear,” shouted 4,000 aristocrats plus one -- Duchess Sandwich of Peanut Butter having delivered a new Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl during lunch.
The debate in the British House of Lord Have Mercy raged on until Lord Lavene of Portsoken – adopted by Senator Smith of Illinois as Lord Latrine of Sot Spoken – turned the debate into a discussion of aristocracy versus commoners.
“We propose the American House of Lords change their duplicitous name to House of Commoners,” offered Baron Linklater of Butterstone whose name had already been adopted by Baron Butter It Later, Flintstone, formerly known as U.S. Senator Kinky from Hyena Sport, Demochusetts. Baron McIntosh of Hudnall – his name stolen as Baron Windows of Microsoft by the U.S. senator from the state of Washington, quickly seconded the proposal.
However, as one American senator revealed, the name House of Commoners had already been reserved for the U.S. House of Representatives in H.B. # 3 Trillion after 435 Reps on Capitol Hill discovered the entire Senate took a quick jaunt to England to boost their entitlements of nobility.
After the rousing debate in Parliament’s House of Lords, the 100 American senators were given a red carpet tour of both houses of Parliament just before lunch, hosted by the Queen at Lord Sainsbury of Preston Candover’s stately manor, precariously hanging off the White Cliffs of Dover. During lunch of boiled cabbage, boiled beef tongue, boiled potatoes, and boiled broccoli, Prime Minister Tony Blair offered his condolences to the Daughters of the American Revolution who died while dumping Earl Grey tea into Boston Harbor.
“Although we did not appreciate being framed for dumping that Earl Grey decaf tea in the Boston Harbor in the Colonies in 17whatever,” said Mr. Blair, “we now need to put aside our differences – since you did already sign off on that wretched Declaration of Independence – and help our noble friends in Washington DC to rule those savage cowboys lassoing little doggies out West, you all. Yee hah, move ‘em out, rawhide,” he yelled.
“Well said, hear, hear,” added Lord Soulsby of Swaffham Prior, as Senator Nancy Q. Baloney the III from California thought about changing her name to Lady Hey-Who-Be-Prying-Into-My-Soul-Food of Waffles & Ham?
After lunch, the Yanks were cranked through a tour of Buckingham Palace where the Queen officially bestowed Knighthood on each of the 100 senators by whacking them on each shoulder with King Arthur’s Magic Sword and kicking them in their royal butts with her jewel-encrusted high-heel sneakers as they stood up for their Oreos and fancy glass of milk. “Yes, well, we have adopted new procedures for our christening of American nobility over the years,” said the Queen with a big smile.
The following list of name changes by the U.S. Senate was finally approved by a narrow margin in the British House of Lords: 2,000 to 2,000 with the tie broken by the Archbishop of Canterbury after consulting with Count Chocula of Sesame Street.
At one point during the afternoon tour of Buckingham Palace, Senator Healthcare of New York asked, “Oh yoo-hoo, excuse me, Queen?”
“Yes, Lady Crackers of New York?”
“Do nobles from Scotland wear anything under their quilts?”
“You mean kilts?”
“Yes ma’am, kilts.”
“Well, last time I looked in the mirror attached to the bottom of my walking cane, Sir Nuts and Bolts of Plaiddington was not wearing anything of note under his quilted kilt.”
“Really?” asked Lady Crackers of Brooklyn.
“Yes. However, Sir Lotsalance of Wellhung on Ballsingtonshire was rumored to have worn Calvin Klein boxer shorts with smiley faces at our Royal Cajones Ball for the President of Paraguay. Any more daft questions, Lords and Ladies of the American Colonies?”
“No ma’am, thank you,” said Lord Sparkplug of Detroit.
“Oh my,” said the Queen, “I see by the sound of Big Ben it’s 4 O’clock, Tea Time. Could I press the Lords and Ladies of America to a jelly? Crumpets and tea?”
“Whoa, after that boiled beef tongue at lunch you could press me to a Double Whopper with super sized fries and a chocolate shake, your Highness.”
“Well said, Lord Tacotax of Albuquerque. By the way… I say there, what’s that horrid noise… ?”
“‘Enery the 8th I am, I am… ‘Enery the 8th …”
“Excuse me, Lord Quacking Honk of Boise?”
“I got married to the widow next door, she’s been married … 1-2-3-4-5 next hand 6-7 … times before… I’m ‘Enery…”
“… Lord Quacking Honk?”
“… yeah, yeah, boogie on down, um-hm…”
“Do you mind?” said the Queen. “I’m trying to conduct a Royal Tour at Buckingham Palace if it’s alright with you?”
“…’Enery … hey … ‘Enery … hey … ‘Enery the 8th I am, I … Oops, sorry.”
“As I was saying,” continued the Queen. “Thank you for coming to Britain. The following titles of British aristocracy are now officially available for your new Yankee House of Lords:”
British Titles of Nobility . . . . . . .Yankee Titles of Nobility
Lord
Alexander of Weed . . . . . .Lord Smoking Weed of Alexander
Lord Baker of Dorking . . . . . . . .Lord Dork of Baking
Lord Black of Crossharbour . . . .Lord Sea of Red Ink
Lord Brougham and Vaux . . . . .Lord Bert and Ernie of Deficit Street
Lord Cavendish of Furness . . . . Lord Fairness of Taxure Dishes
Lord Cope of Berkeley . . . . . . . .Lord Dope of UC Berkeley
Lord Forsyth of Drumlean . . . . . Lord Fatslyce of Bacon
Lord Griffiths of Fforestfach . . . .Lord Forest of Fed Reserve Notes
Lord Harris of Peckham . . . . . . .Lord Pecker of Harass
Lord
Keith of Castleacre . . . . . . Lord Wiseacre of Startercastle
Lord King of Bridgwater
. . . . . . Lord Sellbridge of Brooklyn
Lord MacGregor of Pulham Mkt..Lord Pushpig of No Free Market
Lord Newton of Braintree . . . . . Lord Braindead of Hillary-on-York
Lord Pilkington of Oxenford . . . Lord Pilfering of Oxymoron
Lord Renton of Mount Harry . . . Lord Harry of Full Monty
Lord Sainsbury of Preston Candover . . Lord Insane of Who Buried Preston’s Candy
Lord Soulsby of Swaffham Prior . . Lord Prior of Snifftax-on-Waffles
Lord Wade of Chorlton
. . . . . . . Lord Chortle of Waddington
Lord Willoughby de Broke . . . . Lord We Be Broke, Willy
Lord Ashly of Stoke . . . . . . . . . .Lord Toke of Stashly
Baron Ashton of Upholland
. . . .Baron Taxton of Lower Hoboken
Lord Callaghan of Cardiff . . . . . Lord Stifftax of Cardigan
Lord Campbell-Savours . . . . . . .Lord Tax de Soup
Lord Clarke of Harpstead . . . . . .Lord Cluck of Taxstead
Lord
Corbett of Castle Vale . . . . Lord Veil of Colossal
Cover Up
Lord
Gibson of Market Rasen . . .Lord Fender of Rickenbacker
Baron
Gould of Potternewton . . .Baron Fig Tax of Sir Isaac
Lord
Greene of Harrow Weald . .Lord Weasel of Green Arrow
Lord
Hardy of Wath . . . . . . . . . . Lord Wrath of Hardtax
Baron
Hilton of Eggardon . . . . . .Baroness Hillary of Eggtax-on-York
Lord
Hunt of Kings Heath . . . . . .Lord Punt on Fourth Down
Lord
Chancellor Irvine of Lairg . Lord Nochance of Notax-on-Irving
Lord
King of West Bromwich . . . Lord Broomtax of
Westwich
Lord
Lofthouse of Pontefract . . . Lord Ponder Lofty Math
Fractals
Baron
McIntosh of Hudnall . . . . .Baron Windows of
Microsoft
Lord
Plant of Highfield . . . . . . . .Lord Hightax
of Hempfield
Lord
Ponsonby of Shulbrede . . . Lord Poison Steed of Taxmore
Lord
Randall of St. Budeaux . . . Lord Buttheaux of St. Randall
Lord
Sainsbury of Turville . . . . . Lord Turdbury of
Insanesville
Baron
Scotland of Asthal . . . . . . Baron Asthole of Sotland
Lord
Sheppard of Liverpool . . . . Lord Sheep Liver of Sharkspool
Lord
Simon of Highbury . . . . . . . Lord Simple of
Huckleberry Tax
Baron
Smith of Gilmorehill . . . . .Baron Fillmore Bureaus of Capitol Hill
Baron Warwick of Undercliffe . . .Baron Wicked Clifford of Tax-on-Underwear
Lord
Watson of Invergowrie . . . . Lord Recursivetax of
Watsonville
Lord
Privy Seal Williams of Mastyn . . Lord Marty of
Tax-on-Privy-Seats
Lord Woolmer of Leeds . . . . . . . .Lord Pullover of Wool-over-their-Eyeballs
Lord Ashdown of Norton-sub-Hamdon . . Lord Spendmore-on-Norton’s-Pork Sandwich
Lord
Carlile of Berriew . . . . . . . . Lord Brewtax on Coors
Lord
Holme of Cheltenham . . . . .Lord Sherlock of Cheatingham
Lord
Lester of Herne Hill . . . . . . .Lord Hernia of Lester's Paperload
Baron
Linklater of Butterstone . . Baron Butter It Later, Flintstone
Lord
Livsey of Talgarth . . . . . . . .Lord Vader of Tall
Darth
Lord
Maclennan of Rogart . . . . . Lord Bogart of MacHumphrey
Earl
of Mar and Kellic . . . . . . . . .Earl of Laurel
and Hardy
Baron
Michie of Gallanach . . . . .Baron Gasie of Tax-on-Gallon
Baron Nicholson of Winterbourne . . Baron SP-40 For Only a Nickel, Son
Lord Oakeshott of Seagrove Bay . . . Lord Buckshot of Coney Island Bang-Bang
Lord
Phillips of Sudbury . . . . . . .Lord Suds of Pilferbury
Lord
Rodgers of Quarry Bank . . .Lord Robbers of
Fed Reserve Bank
Lord
Scott of Needham Market . .Lord Nosetax of Kleenex Market
Lord
Shutt of Greatland . . . . . . . Lord Shitt of Rapeland
Lord
Wallace of Saltaire . . . . . . Lord Cracker of Wallet
Baron
Williams of Crosby . . . . . .Baron Crossbow of William
Lord
Armstrong of Ilminster . . . . Lord Strongarm of
Sick Senate
Lord
Levene of Portsoken . . . . . Lord Latrine of Sot
Spoken
Lord
Mackay of Drumadoon . . . .Lord McKFC of Notax-on-Drumsticks
Lord
Maginnis of Drumglass . . . .Lord Dumbass of
Demochusetts
Lord
Marshall of Knightsbridge . .Lord Tin Star of Cracker Jacks
Lord
May of Oxford . . . . . . . . . . .Lord Oxymoron of Mayford
Lord Molyneaux of Killead . . . . .Lady Goodgolly Missmolly of Killem w/Taxes
Lord
Moore of Wolvercote . . . . . Lord Moretax on Wool Coats
Lord
Richardson of Duntisbourne . . Lord Richie of Burn Dismutha Down
Lord
Rodger of Earlsferry . . . . . . Lord Fairy of Tooth
Lady
Saltoun of Abernathy . . . . .Lady Saltine of Ritz
Crackers
Earl
of Sandwich . . . . . . . . . . . . Earl of Baloney
Lord
Saville of Newdigate . . . . . Lord Nudie of Cadillac
Lord
Scott of Foscote . . . . . . . . . Lord Fop of
Costco
Lord
Slynn of Hadley . . . . . . . . . Lord Hardly a Stiffie
Lord
Stevenson of Coddenham . Lord Codfish of Cheatingham
Lord
St. John of Bletso . . . . . . . . Lady Slutso of St. John
Lord
Sutherland of Houndwood . Lord Hounds Tooth of Slickerthan
Lord
Thomas of Swynnerton . . . .Lord Swindle of Washington
Lord
Williamson of Horton . . . . . Lord Whoreson of Williamston
Lord
Wilson of Tillyon . . . . . . . . . Aunt Tilly on Lord
Wilson
Lord
Wright of Richmond . . . . . . Lord Wrong of Poordude
Lord
Archer of Weston-Super-Mare . . Lady Super Bitch of Taxington
Baron Young of Old Scone . . . . . Baron Old Fart of Dunkin Doughnuts
Lord
Have Mercy of Motown . . . . Lord Sparkplug of
Detroit
King
‘Enery the 8th, I am, I am . . .Herman
and the Hermits