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by Free Market Duck

Fed Nationalizes Chocolate Ice Cream Cones
Kids Can't Lick Cones On Church Property

    “OK kid, reach for the sky, and gimme that chocolate ice cream cone,” screamed Officer Rocky Q. Road as he whipped out his .45 Magnum and jumped out from behind a statue of the Virgin Mary at St. Matthew’s Cathedral in downtown San Francisco.

   Little Timmy Tinroof the III quickly slurped one last lick, stuck his hands straight up in the air, and promptly dropped both scoops of chocolate ice cream directly on top of his head, followed by the sugar cone, three nuts, and one marshmallow.  Both scoops slowly slid off Timmy’s head and fell on his Sunday Suit with a silent ‘splat.’

   “You’re under arrest, Chocolate Lips,” screamed Officer Rocky.  “You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you slurp may be used against you.  You have the right to a shark.  If you can’t afford a shark, the Court will appoint a shark for you...”

   “What a scoop,” said Officer Rocky as he honked his sirens and flashed the red, white, and blue lights on his squad car while filling out the paperwork for his two millionth ice cream cone arrest under the provisions of the latest ruling by the U.S. Supreme Court:  No licking of chocolate ice cream cones on church property.

   Citing separation of church and state under the U.S. Constitution, U.S. Supreme Court Justice Neapolitan Cashew Nut the III ruled that since chocolate ice cream cones are now Official Federal Goodies, the slurping, licking, or drooling of America’s recently nationalized Federal ice cream cones on church property violates the separation of church and state clause in the U.S. Bill of Rights.

   Basing her decision on previous Supreme Court rulings that banned the use of education vouchers for religious schools after nationalizing parents’ education tax money, Justice Cashew Nut the III argued that Banana Splits would be next.  “Hey, all we do at the Supreme Court is interpret and apply the law of the land after it’s adopted by Congress and shoved down the people’s throats.  We don’t write these candy-ass laws,” said Cashew Nut the III, wiping the cherries and whip cream off her lips.

   Millions of children and two adults have been arrested to date and sent to the newly renovated Alcatraz Ice Cream Cone Prison since the National Ice Cream Cone law went into effect two years ago.  An appeal by ice cream manufacturers Ben & Jerry’s, Hagan Daaz, and Dreyer’s Division of Double Chocolate Nut Crunch were dismissed as frivolous by the Ninth Circuit Appellate Court in San Francisco one year ago after fifteen children were prohibited from entering St. Michael’s Catholic School in Boise, Idaho, while licking double scoop waffle cones.

   “Whoa,” said Free Market Duck, licking a triple scoop chocolate ice cream cone dipped in hot fudge at today’s press interview.  “Why don’t we just nationalize everybody’s paychecks at the source?  That way, everybody's private salary becomes public money and it will be unconstitutional for anybody to send their kids to religious schools.”

   “Sounds like a great idea to me,” stated National Education Administration spokes-slurper Vanilla Conehead the III.  “Chocolate ice cream cones, Banana Splits, and tax money for education belongs to the government, not the individual,” she added.  “We need to redefine everybody’s money as the government’s money.  That way, we can use the First Amendment’s separation of church and state clause to prevent parents from freely choosing a school or ice cream flavor of their choice.  Next year, we should nationalize all the Yo-Yos in the country and then arrest all the kids who attempt to play with Yo-Yos at Church Day Care Centers, Synagogues, and Temples.”

   "Yes," said the NEA who will be in court again next week, suing co-defendants Mother Nature, the Earth’s gravity, and Sir Isaac Newton for encouraging apples to fall on the nation’s Federal Schoolyards and causing a big goopy mess.

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