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Quack Off
Quack Off
by
Free
Market Duck
Guaranteed National Watermelons
Concerning: Watermelon Growers of America,
All National
Health Care Workers,
America's Wonderful
Plumbers & Toilet Cleaners,
All Automobile
Dealers
in our Land of the Free, Senator
Hillary Rodham Clinton of New York, All
Good
Citizens in
Our Land of Honey, and the very
esteemed members of the Congress of
the United
States.
Dear
Congress:
Allow me to bring to your attention a vicious anomaly in our great land of
freedom, brought about – inadvertently, to be sure – by one of your very own
humanitarian programs of equality and wonderful wealth redistribution
schemes.
Far
be it for me, however, to suggest that Congress has made a mistake whilst
carrying out its infinite number of Democratic Majority Pilfers. But, as
you shall soon see, it is vital to our great free economy that we correct
this gross injustice to our nation’s health care workers before the next 4th
of July picnic and fireworks.
And
what is that great injustice to which I am referring?
That injustice, dear Congress, is none other than the lack of enough red,
ripe, juicy watermelons for all our National Health Care Workers and their hungry children to eat on the 4th
of July.
“What?” you gasp, as you leap to the podium to denounce my humanitarian
proposal. “And why should we give national watermelons to all the
National Health Care Workers and their children?”
If
the very esteemed members of Congress would pause but for a moment while
slurping down virtual cantaloupes from their National Deficit Farms and reflect upon the true
meaning of economic exchange, they will undoubtedly arrive at the same
conclusion that I have: namely, if all the watermelon growers' children are
receiving Guaranteed National Health Care from the health care workers, then it
logically follows that all the health care workers' children should receive
Guaranteed National Watermelons from the watermelon growers.
While Guaranteed National Health Care has long been assumed by Congress to be a basic birth right, the village idiots
amongst you who flunked Basic Econ 101A unwittingly forgot to
institutionalize the other half of the economic exchange between health care
workers and watermelon growers. In short, Congress forgot to establish
Guaranteed National Watermelons in exchange for Guaranteed National Health
Care.
Which brings me to my humble, red, ripe, juicy proposal: namely, Congress
should institutionalize – as quickly as possible, say on this year's 4th
of July -- a distribution of Guaranteed National Watermelons to all the patriotic
health care workers and their children in our great land of economic freedom.
As
you can clearly see, dear Congress, I am merely proposing the other half of
your already-enacted National Health Care Plan. I’m quite confident the
State would agree that – after declaring that every good watermelon grower’s
sick child in our great free nation has the RIGHT TO RECEIVE Guaranteed
National Health Care – it would only be polite for Congress to proclaim
that health care workers should enjoy the RIGHT TO RECEIVE a Guaranteed
National
Watermelon from the watermelon growers.
In
addition, let's not neglect our our nations’ Plumbers & Toilet Cleaners. I propose that the State provide Guaranteed
National Watermelons for
all the Plumbers, too. In return, the Plumbers can provide
Guaranteed National Toilet Cleaning for all the watermelon growers and
health care workers.
If
Congress can guarantee national toilet cleaning, national health care, and
national watermelons,
why not provide Guaranteed National Transportation to America’s 4th
of July birthday party, too? Yahoo!
Have you, dear Congress, ever asked yourselves whether our great free
nation’s automobile dealers might desire to participate in a humanitarian
program of Guaranteed National Roadsters, Sedans, and Stretch Limousines with
all the watermelon growers, doctors, and plumbers in exchange for Guaranteed
National Watermelons, National Health Care, and National Toilet Cleaning?
Is
there any doubt that the State could guarantee that the watermelon
growers, health care workers, and plumbers would drive in unprecedented luxury to their
local 4th of July parade every year, whilst resting
assured that they will receive a red, ripe, juicy watermelon, and that they
will watch the fireworks in good health, knowing full well that their
toilets back home are all clean and tidy? Perhaps we should
nationalize hotdogs, hamburgers, and firecrackers too?
We
can easily dispense with those absurd Free Marketers who claim that the
notion of reciprocal rights to receive is a contradiction. If I have the
right to receive from you and you have the right to receive from me, whose
rights supersede, ask the pesky capitalists? All the State
can do, claim the free market pig pirate running dog capitalists, is to redistribute that which already exists, robbing Peter to pay Paul and then robbing Paul to pay Peter
in a vicious circle of reciprocal robbery with everybody continually infringing upon everybody
else's individual freedom and private property rights. And that, they claim, results in
"everybody attempting to live at the expense of everybody else through that
great fictitious entity called the State."
Oh pschaw!. We can refute those ridiculous free market capitalists in
two seconds flat, my esteemed Lord Porkers of Congressional Lard.
Our brilliant argument is: Gimme, gimme, gimme. In short, we
demand everything from everybody all the time and everywhere.
That's it. That's our academic argument. Nationalize
everything. For free, of course, because we know how to print up tons
and tons of free paper money out of thin air and distribute it from Federal
Reserve helicopters, if necessary. In summary, we are happy to commit
national suicide in our socialist pursuit to receive our birthright of
national health care, national watermelons, national toilet cleaning, and --
my favorite -- national sports cars. Vroom, vroom. "Giddyup,
giddyup, giddyup 409..."
While Congress can readily see that I applaud it for its wonderful
humanitarian role in stripping us of our freedoms and replacing those
freedoms with its grandiose wealth redistribution schemes, you can rest assured that
all of our good citizens will be eternally indebted to you if you would but
merely extend your already established program of Guaranteed National Health Care to
include Guaranteed National Watermelons, Guaranteed National Toilet Cleaning,
Guaranteed National Automobiles and
Guaranteed National everything else in the Oxford Unabridged Dictionary.
Your
Humble Servant,
FM Duck
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