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Quack Off
Quack Off
by
Free
Market Duck
U.S. Treasury issues new
Scratch ‘N Sniff currency
(Nov 25, 2008)
Demos
want cherry-flavored fives, GOP demands peppermint-flavored twenties
Washington, DC –
“Hey, buddy. Got change for a Banana?” asked George Q. Public as he
scratched and sniffed a $50 bill at Albertson’s Grocery Store in Boise,
Idaho.
The U.S. Treasury
department flooded the American economy late last night with 50 trillion
dollars worth of everybody’s favorite flavors of new Scratch ‘N Sniff 1, 5,
10, 20, 50, 100, 5,000 and 10,000-denomination dollar bills in an effort to comply with
Congressional mandate # 2 Trillion: Scratch ‘N Sniff money for America’s
math-challenged children.
The new Act, written
by lobbyists from See’s Candies, was passed by both houses of Congress in an
earmark attached to President Bush’s $9 trillion Transportation & Lollipop
Bill.
Each denomination of
the new paper currency has been assigned its unique flavor by a secret
chemical injection process known only by U.S. Treasury Secretary John Snow,
President Bush, Grandma See and a handful of 7th graders working
with Top Secret Crypto Eyes Only security clearances in the basement of the
New York Federal Reserve.
The new Sratch ‘N
Sniff Monetary Act specifies compliance as a two-step process: (1) each
paper denomination will be injected with a unique flavor while retaining the
original numerical values still printed on each bill, and (2) after a one
year probationary period of Scratch ‘N Sniff exercises conducted by member
banks of the Federal Reserve, future U.S. paper money will omit all
mathematical and alphabetic symbols. Americans will then have to rely upon
their noses to pay for their groceries.
Scratch ‘N Sniff
official flavors will be attached to the following denominations:
A $1.00 bill smells
like Lemon.
A $5.00 bill smells like Cherry.
A $10.00 bill smells like Chocolate.
A $20.00 bill smells like Peppermint.
A $50.00 bill smells like Banana.
A $100.00 bill smells like Crack Cocaine.
A $1,000.00 bill smells like a kilo of Marijuana.
A $5,000.00 bill smells like the DEA is on your tail. Watch out.
A $10,000 bill, the largest U.S. bill, smells like laundry soap from
Colombia.
“The math-challenged
dummies of America will now be able to quickly snort their way through
complicated economic transactions at their hair dressers and liquor store
without looking like complete dummies,” explained Senator Larry Craig
(R-Idaho), co-sponsor of the new Scratch ‘N Sniff Monetary Act. “Since math
is not America’s strong suit, it’s time to dumb down our paper money, too.”
“That’s right,”
added University of Idaho President, Tim White. “The law is blind, and now
so is our currency, as we strip all the numbers and letters off our paper
money to allow everyone to sniff their way through two Lemons plus three
Lemons equal a Cherry, two Cherries equal a Chocolate, two Chocolates or
four Cherries equal a Peppermint, and two Peppermints plus a Chocolate
equal, of course, a Banana.”
“After the switch to
Scratch ‘N Sniff paper money, we can change our outdated cupro-nickel coins
to beautiful wooden coins with popular built-in flavors. I’m introducing a
new Chomp ‘N Taste Wooden Nickel Act,” said Rep. Mike Simpson (R-Idaho).
Co-sponsors Boise Cascade and Weyerhaueser Lumber Companies agreed.
Proposed flavors for
the new Chomp ‘N Taste wooden coins are:
A 1-cent wooden coin, a
penny, will taste like vanilla.
A 5-cent wooden coin, a nickel, will taste like coffee.
A 10-cent wooden coin, a dime, will taste like grape.
A 25-cent wooden coin, a quarter, will taste like apple strudel.
A 50-cent wooden coin, a half dollar, will taste like Peach Flambé with
Amaretto.
A 100-cent wooden coin, a fake silver dollar, will taste like Cherries
Jubilee.
“All wooden coins
will carry the new motto, ‘In Wood We Trust’ on the obverse side and ‘Bite
Me’ on the back,” said Federal Reserve Chairman ‘Helicopter’ Ben Bernanke.
“Any relationship between the ratio of precious metals such as gold, silver,
or platinum in each denomination of U.S. coins has long since gone the way
of the dinosaur,” he added.
“Excuse me,” asked
Jose Carmen San Diego, an illegal immigrant from Mexico. “What’s the flavor
of the deficit created when the U.S. central bank, the private Federal
Reserve, pumps up the nation’s intangible credit out of thin air?”
“I think that would
be the flavor of one hand clapping,” answered Federal Reserve Chairman Ben
Bernanke, sniffing a paper Lemon. – FM Duck
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