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Back to Quack Off
Quack Off
by
Free
Market Duck
New Energy Source Discovered In Washington DC
Oil Stocks Plunge
Scientists visiting
Washington DC this week accidentally stumbled upon a new source of energy so
concentrated that it threatens to blow oil back into its proverbial dinosaur
pit.
MIT nuclear
physicists, Drs. Fred Fusion and Francine Fission, suffered first-degree burns
when they accidentally opened the door to what they thought was a coed restroom
during vacation on Capitol Hill. Instead, they were greeted by a blast of hot
air so powerful that it blew both doors off what turned out to be the 109th
full session of Congress.
“We thought it was the
public restroom. We had no idea Congress was in session,” replied Dr. Fission
from her burn unit bed at St. Luke’s Hospital in nearby Maryland.
“The blast of hot air from
our lawmakers produced more BTUs than the combined annual output of all the
nuclear, hydro, and coal-fired energy plants in the world,” mumbled Dr. Fusion
through his bandaged lips.
The BTU, British Thermal
Unit, is the basic unit of measurement for energy. One BTU is defined as the
quantity of energy it takes to raise the temperature of one gram of water one
degree Centigrade.
“’Oh my God,’ I screamed
as we unwittingly opened the door to Congress. The blast was so hot it scorched
my eyebrows,” said Dr. Francine Fission. “The idea hit us simultaneously that
we could harness this explosive new energy which, God bless American politics,
we immediately coined CHA: Congressional Hot Air.”
“That’s right,” added Dr.
Fusion. “All we have to do is hook up a giant turbine to the doors of Congress,
seal off the windows, and hesto-presto we have enough CHA to power the entire
North American continent for the next 2,000 years – assuming nobody pulls the
plug on a Congressperson’s right to filibuster.”
Asked what effects this
new energy source would have upon the world economy that is currently fueled by
Middle Eastern oil and gas, both physicists predicted World War III.
“We’ve already received
15,000 death threats from the oil companies,” said Dr. Fusion. “I convinced my
son-in-law to quit his job at George’s Gas Station in Hoboken, New Jersey, and
apply to the Small Business Administration for a loan to manufacture hot air
turbines.”
“I shorted my oil and gas
stocks as soon as I got to St. Luke’s Burn Center,” said Dr. Francine, “and
re-invested the profits in windmills. We may need to ignite more controversial
national issues to keep the windbags in Congress talking nonstop and thus ensure
a steady future energy supply.”
“No problem,” added Dr.
Fusion. “I have faith that our good Senators and Representatives will never
shut up long enough to drag the U.S. into any future energy blackouts.”
Those issues that both
Drs. Fusion and Fission suggested would fuel nonstop debate on Capitol Hill
included: Should we increase the Death Tax? Is abortion OK on Tuesdays? Do we
need Shoe Bomb Inspectors at all major US airports? Should Congress levy a
tariff on the importation of cheap foreign moonlight to protect the jobs of
American Electric Light Bulb Manufacturers?
“Not only should we hook
up turbines to capture all the hot air emanating from the 535 members of
Congress,” added Dr. Fusion, “we should also consider attaching turbines to the
doors of all the Departments, Committees, Commissions, Offices, and the entire
Federal Bureaucracy in Washington D.C. Just think of all the hot air we can
harness from this year’s bureaucratic babble.”
Hundreds of phone calls
poured in from other scientists around the world, congratulating both physicists
from MIT as they sat in their hospital beds drinking Power-Ade and recovering
from first-degree burns. Many physicists predict a Nobel Prize may lie waiting
in Stockholm for the two scorched discoverers of CHA.
Meanwhile, the Dow Jones
crashed lower than dinosaur sludge as investors dumped their oil stocks in a
feeding frenzy to snap up shares of Turbines and Such, Inc., the leading
manufacturer of turbines, windmills, and propeller beanies.
When news of the CHA
discovery hit Ma and Pa Kettle of Cactus Falls, New York, they dashed down to
their local Ace Hardware store to purchase a 3-inch windmill to hook up to the
window of the Cactus Falls City Council building before their 6 PM meeting
tonight.
The lone subject of
controversy from which the Kettles plan to harness Congressional Hot Air is:
Should the Cactus Falls Official Bedtime Story be changed from 8 PM to 8:30 PM
on weekdays, and 8:45 PM on weekends?
The 5-10 BTUs anticipated
to be harnessed from this controversial discussion would be used to power the
Kettles’ 1929 Model-T Ford for seven straight weeks of hot-rodding around the
back ten acres of their chicken ranch.
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