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Quack Off
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Free
Market Duck
IRS Audits Mickey Mouse, Files Criminal Charges
“We didn’t know we had to file an IRS
1040,” cried Minnie Mouse, spilling tears all over her lunch of American cheese.
“Mr. Disney only pays us peanuts to star in his cartoons and our attorneys told
us we didn’t earn enough to file. We’re at the poverty level.”
IRS Special Agent Tyrone Taxchomper the III disagreed. “Mr. and Ms. Mouse did
not file joint returns, nor did they file separate returns. In fact, they
failed to file any returns. Nobody cheats the IRS out of income taxes.”
“We didn’t know whether we were married and should file jointly or not,” cried
Mickey Mouse. “Nobody at the Disney studios would tell us whether we were
actually married or just cartoon characters living in sin on the silver screen
all these years. I remember one cartoon episode in 1954 when Minnie and I got
married and Goofy was our best man, but nobody at the Disney movie archives
would pull the tape to confirm that. The movie moguls claimed the tape broke.
They also claimed H & R Block, our tax preparers, had no need to know. So we
don’t know if we were married or not. What were we supposed to do?”
The IRS slapped the two hilarious rats with criminal sanctions for “willful
failure to file,” a criminal offense under Title 26 USC, Internal Revenue Code
of the United States.
“They did not simply forget to file,” stated IRS auditor Theresa Taxbite the
III. “They forgot to file on purpose. Period. That makes it a criminal
offense instead of just a civil offense, which means they’re criminals, which
means they’re under arrest. No more free cheddar for them.”
“Yes,” added IRS Director Tom Taxbite the III. “These two rip-snorting funny
rodents fall into the same category as Al Capone and Joe Bananas of Mafia fame.
They’re A-Number One tax evaders and deserve to go to prison.”
The two Disney rodents’ tax attorneys, Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck, employed part
time at the law firm of Looney, Rooney, and Tooney, assured the children of
America that the two hilarious rats would make bail before Disneyland airs at 8
P.M. next Sunday night on NBC with its long-awaited special: Minnie and the
Tax-Free Killer Cheesecake.
“Mickey,” added attorney Daffy Duck, “will make a cameo appearance in the Disney
special as Minnie’s common law husband who is fatally shot by the FBI as he and
Minnie attempt to eat a giant cheesecake and file a joint 1040 tax return with
an attached Schedule A, detailing $4.5 million worth of itemized tax
deductions.”
Cartoon characters at Disney and other cartoon studios hastily called their tax
attorneys to ascertain whether they, too, might come under the scrutiny of the
IRS auditors. Sylvester the Cat at Looney Toons quickly sent a notarized
affidavit to the IRS from his attorneys at Looney, Rooney, and Tooney swearing
that he properly claimed only 40% of Tweety Bird as a business lunch and washed
Tweety down with only two martinis, shaken not stirred. “Thufferin thuccatash,
and thath’s the truth,” responded Sylvester to questions by reporters at a
hastily called noon press conference. Picking his teeth with a yellow canary
feather, a muffled voice echoed between the teeth of Sylvester’s oversized grin
at the news conference, “Hey, I tawt I taw a Puddy Tat.”
Other cartoon celebrities decided to exit stage left on the earliest flight to
Rio de Janeiro. Checking their bags at the LA Airport, Donald Duck – along with
Huey, Dewey, Louie, Daisy, Uncle Scrooge McDuck, and Pluto – told reporters as
they ran through the metal detectors that their 16 suitcases were not stuffed
full of U.S. Federal Reserve Notes, and the diamond rings on everybody’s six
fingers and thumbs were not tricky methods by which to cleverly sneak millions
of dollars to the Cayman Islands on the way to Rio. “Hey, we’re broke. Get
outta our way,” yelled Donald as he strong-armed his way through the baggage
checkers.
Meanwhile, Mickey and Minnie were released on bail of 5.7 million Cheezos.
“Those rats think they’re pretty funny, but they will never get away with
cheating the U.S. government,” said IRS Director Taxbite the III. “Everybody
has to pay their income taxes.”
“Baloney,” responded Goofy, long-time friend of the two rodents. “According to
a Declaratory Judgment issued by the Federal District Court in the Ninth
Circuit, the 16th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution is invalid, the
Federal Reserve Act of 1913 is unconstitutional as applied to State citizens,
the Cold Reserve Act of 1934 is fraudulently unconstitutional, and Title 26 USC
(Internal Revenue Code) applies only to the Federal United States, not to the
citizens of the 50 States.”
“Besides,” added Mickey, “the Federal government just throws our tax money down
a big rat hole anyway.”
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