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Back to Quack Off
Quack Off
by
Free Market
Duck
Fed
scientists discover new element in Periodic Table of Elements: Paper
(April 1,
2008)
New York, NY
– Whoa, girl friends, pour yourselves another hot cup of Rocket Java.
Scientists
at Treasury University and Federal Reserve College have just discovered that
the entire Periodic Table of Elements has been wrong – or, at least, missing
an important element -- for the last 100 years. In an astonishing new
discovery that continues to shock the world of Chemistry and Physics – as
well as Economics – Senior Scientist at U.S. Treasury University, Hank
Paulson, and his scientific sidekick Ben Bernanke of Federal Reserve
College, miraculously stumbled upon one of the most mind-boggling
discoveries of the 21st century: a missing element in the
Periodic Table of Chemical and Physical Elements, which they dub: Paper.
Last
weekend, while working overtime in the lab at the Federal Reserve College in
New York, scientists Paulson and Bernanke discovered a new element located
directly between the elements Gold, chemical symbol Au with atomic mass
197, and Mercury, chemical symbol Hg with atomic mass 200.5. The two
scientists, who double as comedians at the Treasury Reserve Comedy Club on
Friday nights, named their new element: Paper, chemical symbol Pf (short
for the Latin, pulpo fiction) with an
atomic mass of zero and a half life of 30.5 seconds.
“Wow,”
said scientist Henry Paulson, former CEO of Goldman Sachs on Wall Street,
“imagine our surprise when, looking for a suitable monetary substitute for
the outdated gold standard, we accidentally stumbled upon a new element in
the Periodic Table with all the wonderful properties we were looking for:
crispy, easy to print up out of nowhere, self destructs as soon as it’s
printed, Paper.”
“Yes,”
added scientist Bernanke. “Paper has qualities far superior to gold or
silver as a medium of economic exchange. Just think. We don’t have to go
out and mine it like gold bullion. It’s very light. Holds its value for
only 30.5 seconds. Looks good in green ink. You can fashion Paper into
paper aeroplanes and throw them across the room. And we can increase or
decrease the supply of Paper all day long, which, by the way, we intend to
do to ‘stimulate’ the sagging U.S. economy. All we have to do is print the
words ‘Federal Reserve Note’ all over the Paper, crank out trillions and
trillions of it, and, hesto presto, we can flood the U.S. and global
economies overnight.”
“I can’t
believe it,” said physicist Randy McDowell at U.C. Berkeley’s Radiation
Laboratory in California. "There it was, right under our noses all this time
and we missed it for over a hundred years. What else is hiding in our
Periodic Table, plastic credit?”
“I’ve been
working in Organic and Inorganic Chemistry for over 40 years at the Cal Poly
Institute of Technology in San Luis Obispo and never dreamed there was an
element in the Periodic Table sitting right next to Gold and Mercury," said
Professor Jonathon McDouglas. "Holy
Jesus, what a scientific discovery this turns out to be.”
Already
nominated for three Nobel Prizes in Physics, Chemistry, and Economics,
scientists Paulson and Bernanke both expressed shock and awe at their new
discovery, adding that they were just happy to be able to serve mankind and
the free market with their new discovery. “Of course, we’re just happy that
the U.S. Government will now be able to save all of humanity and the housing
and banking markets on Wall Street by injecting tons and tons of our new
Paper into the market.”
Subprime
investment bankers on Wall Street also sighed a big sigh of relief as the
good news about the discovery of Paper trickled down from the chemistry labs
of Treasury University and Federal Reserve College. “Whew, finally we can
issue trillions and trillions of this new Paper to all the member banks, the
non-member banks, and every man, woman, and child in the economy to spend as
fast as they can and save us from a lack of enough Paper in our illiquid
banking markets,” said former scientist at Reserve College, Alan Greenspan.
“This is the breakthrough discovery that we have been waiting for: a medium
of economic exchange that is truly liquid, expandable and contractable at
will, stretchable like rubber, self destructs in 30.5 seconds, and easy to
just print up out of thin air.”
“Ya-yess,”
chimed in current President George Bush. “Now I can finance all the wars I
want without fear of running out of money. We can easily pay for everything
the U.S. Congress wants. Earmarks and huge deficits are no problem like
with that pesky, stable gold monetary standard. This new Paper element is
wonderful news. As I stated in my 2nd Inaugural Address
regarding why we’re involved in the War in Iraq, fiction is often better
than fact.”
“Yeah,”
added Bush’s Economic Plunge Protection Team senior advisor, Professor Lord
John Maynard Keynes, “we think the Latin name for Paulson’s and Bernanke’s
new Paper discovery speaks for itself: Pulp Fiction.” – FM Duck
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