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Back to Quack Off
Quack Off
by
Free Market
Duck
Victoria’s
Secret Reorgs as Savings & Loan Bank, Qualifies for Treasury’s $700 Billion
Bailout Booty
(Nov 17, 2008)
“The failure of Victoria’s Secret, especially their Skimpy Pajama & Edible
Underwear Division, would likely catapult the U.S. market into a systemic
catastrophe we just can’t afford.”
–
Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson
Washington,
DC – In a move that highlights the contortions companies are undergoing to
weather the credit crisis, the sexy but battered lingerie retailer
Victoria’s Secret Inc. said it has reorganized itself into a savings and
loan banking institution to gain access to Secretary of the Treasury Hank
Paulson’s $700 Billion Bailout Booty aimed at shoring up the banking sector.
In order
to qualify and pull off this transformation, the 20-year-old sexy lingerie
shop will spend $9 million to buy Goldman Sachs of Hollywood, a previously
full-figured, but now size 2, banking institution, which happens to be the
alma mater of Treasury Secretary Paulson. Victoria’s Secret is
simultaneously applying to participate in the Treasury Department’s $700
Billion program to inject capital into the country’s banks. The deadline
for applications was 12 midnight last Saturday.
Such
gyrations, however kinky, come with a wink and a nod from the Treasury. The
Treasury has said sexy lingerie shops can participate in the Booty Bailout
Program provided they already are, or apply to become, a federally-regulated
bank or savings and loan. In fact, a significant number of flimsy lingerie
companies in the U.S. operate banks or thrifts.
Lingerie
stores, in particular Victoria’s Secret, have been pounded mercilessly by
concerns that mounting losses on sales of their bras, panties, see-through
teddys, and other structured lingerie vehicles (SLVs) will force them to
raise capital to stiffen up their financial turgidity. Access to the
Treasury’s $700 Billion Bailout Booty would give sexy lingerie shops a
relatively cheap and shareholder-friendly way of raising such funkily-fondled
funds.
Victoria’s
Secret estimated it would be eligible for a $69 billion booty bailout from
Treasury if its application is accepted.
Victoria’s
Secret Chief Executive, Pussycat Galore, said in a statement that the
company is well endowed but that tapping booty on the Treasury’s terms
“could be a prudent course in this market environment.” The lingerie firm’s
beaten-down shares -- off 95% this year -- fell 34.5% to negative 6-inches a
share (about average) on Friday.
“If
Victoria’s Secret fails, 3 million suppliers to Victoria’s Secret will
receive pink slips,” said Treasury Secretary Paulson. “And no matching
bras,” he added with a smirk.
Goldman Sachs of Hollywood – prodded by Victoria’s Secret to pre-qualify the
bank as a valid purchase
for the Treasury’s bailout booty -- has been scrambling to shore up its
push-up bras and finances since February 2008 amid losses on edible
chocolate panties and strawberry thongs sold in the bank's lobby. The Office of Thrift Supervision,
which regulates savings and loans, issued a cease and desist order against
Goldman Sachs of Hollywood in August, ordering it to improve its line of subprime mortgages and to raise more capital.
Goldman Sachs – a pay day loan & thrift in Hollywood, which operates 13
branches -- was put into contact with Victoria’s Secret Inc. by “mutual
professional relationships in the body massage banking industry,” Chief
Executive Polly Goodrub said on Thursday. Victoria’s Secret is paying
5-cents a share plus giving away free videos documenting Stress Point
Physics for Strapless Evening Gowns to all employees at Goldman Sachs. It
also pledged to inject a stimulus package of free Bud Lite drinking glasses
and see-through sheer nighties into Goldman Sachs’ to recapitalize the
thrift. – Woody Blankencheck, Assistant Underwear Secretary of the U.S.
Treasury
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