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by Free Market Duck

Jesus appoints Obama as “Associate Christ”
Oct 26, 2009

Swamped by millions of requests for guidance and wealth redistribution, Jesus Christ hires American President Barack Obama as the first-ever Assistant Savior.

Washington, DC – Overwhelmed by a constant deluge of prayers and appeals for salvation and wealth redistribution, Jesus Christ announced Friday the hiring of Chicago, IL, neighborhood organizer, U.S. President Barack Obama, as Associate Christ.

   “I’ve needed an Assistant Savior for a long time now, and I’m thrilled to finally get some help,” Christ told reporters at a White House press conference aired on the Holier Than Thou Broadcasting Network ABC, NBC, MSNBC, CBS, CNN, PBS, NPR, the Oval Office and Al Jazeera.  “Barack is an experienced guy who, Lord only knows, can take the load off my shoulders when our neighborhood schools need a big Weather Underground cake sale or we need to replace the CEO of General Motors,” added Jesus.

   With the hiring, effective Halloween, 2009, Christians seeking spiritual aid or more money from their neighbors’ savings accounts will be able to pray to either Jesus or Barack Obama.

   “This is an extremely exciting opportunity for me, and I look forward to hearing your prayers and Welfare State redistributionist schemes,” Obama said.  “To the millions of Christians, Jews, and Muslims around the world, I just want you to know that I am here for you should you meander down the wrong path to the free market.  If Jesus happens to be busy, please feel free to turn to me in your darkest hour, including a close vote on nationalized health care or cap ‘n trade in the U.S. Senate.

   “You can expect the same great service from me that you’ve always gotten from Jesus, FDR, and Mussolini,” Obama added.

   Jesus said He chose Obama for the Associate Christ position because of his considerable experience in dealing with the poor starving masses in Chicago, Calcutta, and Boise, Idaho.  In addition to his six-year stint with the Chicago-based Acorn Nutty Organizers, the nation’s 2nd largest organizers of subprime housing mortgages, credit default swaps, and local prostitution rings, Obama worked for seven years as a PTA Fruit Cups and Funds Manager for Chicago’s Southside public school system at chance meetings with alleged cop killer Bill Ayers and his wife of the Weather Underground on weekends after the kids’ basketball games in the cafeteria under a single light bulb hanging from the ceiling at midnight smoking a joint.

   Though some observers have questioned whether Obama will be able to absolve Christians of earthly or Congressional wrongdoings, having never died on the cross for humanity’s sins including trillion dollar deficit spending and under the table lobbying, Christ dismisses such claims, saying that he has “complete faith in Barack.”

   “Whatever you wish to say unto me, you can say unto Barack Obama,” Christ said.  “I am 1000 percent confident that Barack is fully capable of taking from the rich and giving to the poor in His forgiveness and salvation.  Turn to Barack, and you shall not go astray, like down the path to pig pirate capitalism.”

   From now on, Jesus advised Christians to address prayers to “Our Lord or His Associate, Jesus or Barack” or “Jesus or anyone acting as Barack’s Christ Czar at the White House.”

   Friday’s hiring has led many Catholic Church insiders to speculate that, even before Christ retires, Obama will create a world crisis and become the One True Savior and Son of God.

   “After nearly 2,000 years of walking across water and healing the dead, Christ appears to be getting tired,” said Cardinal Rahm Emanuel, Obama’s Chief of Staff at the White House.  “I strongly suspect that Barack is being groomed as His successor.  Nor,” added Emanuel, “should we ever allow a crisis to go unrewarded.”

   Lending credence to such suspicions is a new book of the Holy Bible, which details Obama’s newfound authority and divinity.  The book, tentatively titled, “My Ecumenical Re-Distribution of Wealth on Planet Earth,” will be included in the updated 2010 Bible, replacing Luke, John, Matthew, and Eminem with selected writings of Mao Tse Tung and Karl Marx.  Also included will be new choir songs such as “Equal Work for Equal Pay, Barack Obama, He our man, umm-mm-mm-mm, umm-mm-mm.”

   Obama’s hiring as the first-ever Vice Christ is being well received by Christians, Jews, and especially the leader of the Jihadist Muslims, Osama bin Laden, who is currently hiding out in Cave # 2001 in Afghanistan, near the Khyber Pass, longitude 204, latitude 117.

   “If Jesus says it’s okay to pray to Barack, then it’s all right by me,” said San Francisco, CA, resident and current U.S. House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi.

   “I accept Barack Obama in my heart and will pray to Him daily for eternal salvation and wealth redistribution,” Harry Reid of Reno, Nevada, said.  “Jesus and Obama are Lord.” – FM Duck (religious editor, satirizing The Onion, if that’s possible)

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