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It has come to my attention lately that the current agricultural system in
the United States is not adequately staving off the onslaught of one of
mankind’s oldest afflictions: namely, starvation.
many parts of our great free economy, we must still resort to those
pernicious forms of food rationing such as handouts and food stamps in order
to provide all of our good citizens with the necessary nourishment
established by the State’s Minimum Daily Requirements. I’m sure Congress
would welcome a plan which would not only eradicate the continual human
suffering which always seems to accompany starvations, famines, droughts,
wars, and general hunger but, in addition, would raise our economy to one of
the world’s leading agricultural exporters and simultaneously provide full
employment. Permit me to put forth an agricultural reform that will once
and for all put an end to all the human misery that has been periodically
tormenting mankind since time immemorial.
plan is unpretentiously called: Deficit Farming.
Deficit Farming, the government plants zero acres in the spring and harvests 50
acres in the fall. By leading the economy with a continual food deficit,
agriculture will be stimulated and hunger will be wiped off the face of the
Earth. Under Deficit Farming, the incentive is to not starve – which I’m
sure you would agree has a high survival coefficient.
you can clearly see, my Deficit Farming proposal is modeled after Congress’
very own Deficit Financing program, which has already been put into effect
to the tune of a $7 trillion deficit and is protecting the economy from such
fiscal crises as inflation, recessions, and depressions.
Let’s review some of Deficit Farming’s further merits. Deficit Farming is
an effortless system of farming. Every farmer can tell you he would rather
plant zero acres in the spring and come back to harvest 50 acres in the fall
rather than planting 50 acres in the spring and harvesting 1 acre in the fall – 49 acres
lost to Mother Nature.
Think of the 50 deficit acres that will not be subjected to frosts,
droughts, hailstorms, floods, heat, fire, earthquakes, locusts and other
vicious insects. Think of the cost of maintaining 50 acres once they are
planted compared to the cost of maintaining no acres.
hiring all the unemployed as Deficit Farmers, our nation will become the
first country in history to attain full employment. Deficit Farmers need
know absolutely nothing about farming. Therefore, both the skilled and
unskilled can easily be employed – and with no additional cost to the State
for education or supplies such as seed, tractors, combines, irrigation pipe,
or any other farm tool.
unskilled who are hired by the State to become Deficit Farmers will be
learning a new trade. They will also have sufficient time to educate
themselves at the State Universities or pursue other State ventures while
Deficit Farming, such as Federal Kite Flying.
need no longer worry about seasonal planting. To hell with the seasons,
climate, weather and geographical location! One can commence Deficit
Farming in the midst of a snowstorm, on the vertical side of a cliff, or on
the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. How? Simply pick the summit of Mt.
Everest on which to not plant 50 acres – which means you don’t have to be
there to check on the crops, for one thing. And you can be sure that no sod
busting homesteaders or cattle ranchers will rob you of your non-existent 50
illustrate the infinite amount of farmland that will be rendered arable by
this clever program, one of my associates recently planted a deficit crop of
wheat on Jupiter. Of course, he has not actually seen this wheat crop, but
we are both confident that it will be a very good year. Since the Universe
is infinite, we can assume that we have an infinite amount of deficit
farmland to cultivate.
the members of Congress will think about their existing program of Deficit
Financing, I’m sure they will realize that I have simply extended their
deficit program of non-gold backed Federal Reserve Notes to the very
commodities for which their deficit money must eventually be exchanged. For
Congress to argue that my proposal for Deficit Farming is preposterous would
be to argue against Congress’ very own program of Deficit Financing.
only objection is that Deficit Financing has not been expanded to the point
at which Congress stimulates every person’s productivity by simply supplying
him with a million deficit dollars or hiring him to be a Deficit Farmer.
After all, if Congress and the private Federal Reserve bankers insist on
inflating the people’s paper IOUs on the premise that it is actually
stimulating production, then it follows that we can stimulate the production
of food by creating tons of IOU farm crops.
Congress would but implement Deficit Farming – my simplified extension of
your current Deficit Financing, I’m sure the people of our great free nation
could never repay their gratitude and indebtedness to you – at least not at
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